


I Will Always Be Alone

by irishbandlover23



Category: Gintama
Genre: M/M, its full of hope, kind of happy, kind of sad, written for ginzura day 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-05 21:59:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5391866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irishbandlover23/pseuds/irishbandlover23
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katsura's life had been a collection of people leaving him. Which is why he always knew Gintoki would leave him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Always Be Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Ginzura Week 2015: Day 6--Promise.  
> Written in Katsura's POV.

Pain. Fear. Sorrow. Loneliness.

Katsura Kotarou had always been the calmest and gentlest of his peers, yet if asked, no one could describe him beyond that. Despite his intelligence and demeanor, he didn’t have many friends. It was true that he was usually alone, however, it was not by choice. Katsura’s life has been a collection of people leaving him for one reason or another. If there was one thing he had learned, it was that people always found a reason to leave him. He never begged them to stay—no, he was the head of the Katsura family, he would never beg—but how he wished they would not leave him.

His parents were the first to leave him. Oh, how he cried! They didn’t leave him by choice, but it still hurt. Why did he survive when his parents didn’t? He was raised by his grandmother, so at a young age he was forced to leave his childhood behind. Granted, he acted more like a noble youth than a child, but he never wanted to forcefully grow up. He wanted to play and laugh like other kids his age, too. His grandmother told him, _It’s okay if people call you a coward. Live on Kotarou_ , before she, too, left him. He became a responsible young man, managing his home with a raised head while making sure to study and train hard in order become a strong samurai.

He met Takasugi Shinsuke, a child like no other. He was an odd child, rarely laughing yet attracting people to him, and Katsura could not understand his motives. Even as a child, there was a ruthlessness and danger in Takasugi that bordered on insanity. Takasugi wasn’t his friend, yet Katsura kept him close since he felt that Takasugi could become a dangerous foe if he wasn’t careful. Nonetheless, he followed Takasugi to Shouka Sonjuku, where he met a man like no other and another child like him. Shouyo-sensei was a man who gave him the foundation of his bushido. A truly brilliant and honest man, Katsura enjoyed his lessons.

However, he learned much more from the child, Sakata Gintoki. A child—no, not a child. He was neither a child nor an adult—with strength and a sound mind, Gintoki was someone who Katsura wanted to know better. And he did. Gintoki’s _I’ll be your general, so you just be Zura_ made Katsura happy. The more Katsura learned about Gintoki, the more he believed that Gintoki would become a far greater man than he ever could. Katsura was a coward, but Gintoki… Gintoki was a brave soul who would one day become a great samurai.

During the Joui war, Katsura, Gintoki, and Takasugi fought and survived. With different methods, with different strengths, but with the same ruthlessness and power. They survived death, and welcomed a new comrade, Sakamoto Tatsuma. The funniest man Katsura’s ever met, but by far the most important. Sakamoto was a trader who gave them the resources to fight. He became Katsura’s friend and confidante during the war, for Katsura would never think of talking to Takasugi or Gintoki about his feelings. After many years, Katsura had found a friend who wasn’t entirely innocent, nor entirely broken. They spent a lot of nights just talking and enjoying each other’s company.

Despite the relaxing moments at night, the war continued. Death, death, death! With so many of his comrades gone and Katsura remaining a survivor, Katsura began to think negatively. When would Sakamoto and Takasugi leave him? When would Gintoki? No matter how many years they spent together, everyone always left him. It was only a matter of time until they got tired of his cowardice and left.

And leave they did. He held hope that Sakamoto would not leave him, but he did. Sakamoto left to chase after stars, and Katsura could not find it in his heart to hate him for it. He would rather suffer from the pain of losing a friend to space than have him stay and be unhappy or dead. Shouyo-sensei—the man who was like a pillar of strength—was taken away from him, from _them_ —in the cruelest way. How he cried for Gintoki to stop, to resist, but he knew that he would have done the same. Takasugi left as a broken man with the desire to kill until the beast within him stopped wanting blood. Takasugi had given in to the darkness, and how that pained Katsura. For once, he held hope that Gintoki would not leave him, but he knew this hope was futile.

Katsura had gotten used to the anger that came when someone left, the pain of death, and the empty void that their loss left him with. That is why, he always _always_ knew Gintoki would leave him too. He couldn’t blame him. What he was forced to do, to _choose_! But Katsura understood Gintoki: he could guess why he chose his comrades over his sensei, and he accepted that. Yet Gintoki still left. One day he simply disappeared. He was used to the pain, anger and sorrow, so why did Gintoki’s departure hurt him so much? The pain! It was excruciating! Was it because he didn’t even get to say goodbye? For all he left unsaid? Katsura was a coward. He knew that, but he would not let others see him at his lowest point. What were these things falling from his eyes? As he wiped his face, he realized they were tears. He had not cried since his parent’s deaths. Why was he crying now? Why did he feel so lost and empty without that silver-haired samurai? But he had no time to grieve, as there was still a war going on. He cleared his thoughts and continued to fight against the Amanto. He would not give up, even if he felt that he had already lost everything.

Years passed, and he became a good general. He was called a coward by others, but he saved as many lives as he could with that cowardice. His group was forced into hiding, but they did not mind. Surprisingly, Sakamoto kept in contact. He was glad that a man chasing the stars was still tied to earth, to him. A true friend. A man who understood that Katsura was alone, and who thought of him when he gave him Elizabeth. He appreciated the fact that he was no longer alone, but he still thought that these things would not last. Every day, he had the passing thought that he would be left alone, and that hurt most of all. He could not escape the loneliness because he could not trust his friends to stay.

He came to Edo in order to crush the Amanto and the Bakufu, and he would do it by any means necessary. By this time, Katsura understood that death was necessary; he knew that no matter who died, he was doing the right thing. He had heard of a freelancer in the area and decided to test if he really did any odd job, as it would be helpful to have an ally with that mindset. What a surprise it was when he saw that it was Gintoki! He was glad to have found him again, but at the same time he was pained at seeing how Gintoki had moved on. Gintoki had two kids who stared at Gintoki with pride and happiness, and whom Gintoki looked at with fondness, while he was still in pain over being abandoned by his best friend. He was happy to be able to see Gintoki again, but he had never felt so alone than the moment when they reunited. He had spent all those years lost without Gintoki, yet to Gintoki he was only a person of his past. It hurt, and that night Katsura once again welcomed the bitter taste of tears.

He was being selfish. He knew it, but he didn’t care. Even if he did not matter to Gintoki, he would not let him go. He would rather be the comic relief on standby than no one. So he stayed. He got to know the present Gintoki, and he was surprised but pleased. Gintoki was much more easygoing and lazy, but he was the same as he was during the war. He had not changed much, but he had learned how to let others in. Shinpachi was a good influence, and Katsura found himself genuinely liking the boy. He could see so much of himself in Shinpachi, but he knew that Shinpachi was not a coward, and had a strength that would protect him in the future. Kagura was a startling surprise. Younger than everyone around her, her status as an alien made her stronger and kinder than anyone. He felt a kinship towards her, since he could see how hard she tried to fit in. Like him, she was afraid of being abandoned, so he decided to give her a gentle push. Katsura was his own general and his own leader, but for the sake of a girl trying so hard to fight her blood’s desires, he would call her leader. He would follow her orders when they did not interfere with his own, since he knew that she needed someone to acknowledge her as a member of the group in order to grow even stronger.

Meeting Takasugi again made him question himself. How could they have begun at the same place yet have become so different? As he saw Gintoki fight Nizo and the Benizakura sword, he was glad for the strong and unchangeable Gintoki. Despite making an enemy of his former friend and comrade, he was ecstatic to be recognized as a part of Gintoki’s present. He did matter to Gintoki, and he could finally breathe easier knowing that. He promised himself that he would try his hardest to always be with Gintoki when he needed it.

Time passed. Happiness and merriment was a daily occurrence. Katsura could feel himself changing. His ideas about how to change the government changed. He was no longer plagued by loneliness. He had Elizabeth, Sakamoto, and Gintoki. He had Shinpachi and Kagura. He began to lose his fear of loneliness and abandonment. He began to think that maybe, just maybe, he would never be alone again. After being beaten, broken, and pushed down, he was finally making long lasting connections that could not be broken easily. Nothing could change that. Or so he thought.

Katsura was a wanted man, and he knew that wanted men had to fight for survival. He could die any day, but he would enjoy every day. He was happy, but not naïve. Katsura knew this peace would not last. Peace was an illusion. He began to see the signs of a crumbling government—he could _feel_ Edo growing darker and more dangerous—and he knew things were going to change. The information given to him by Mutsu showed some eerie things happening in the sky, and he could practically taste the shifting winds in Edo. He believed in the strength of his comrades, but he knew that this was something dangerous. They could die. They would not appreciate warnings, for he knew Gintoki and Sakamoto could feel what he did. They would protect their own, and so would he.

By this time, Katsura had realized that Gintoki was something special to him. He was like a drug, and one he could not let go. He now understood that that was why he was so devastated when Gintoki left him during the war. That was why he was pained when he saw that Gintoki had moved on when they reunited. That was why he was happy when he was acknowledged by Gintoki in front of Takasugi. It was something far stronger than love, far stronger than passion. He did not desire Gintoki for simple reasons, but because at some point Gintoki had become a part of him. He was a necessity.

So Katsura did the one thing he had never done.

It was a dark and cold night when he asked Gintoki to meet him. He knew Gintoki would come, since Katsura had never requested Gintoki’s presence like this before. As he stood on the bridge, looking up at the stars in the dark sky, he knew the exact moment when Gintoki was near him.

He did not look away from the stars, but began speaking softly. “Everything is starting to be tainted by darkness. We will protect what we need to protect. That is who we are. We won’t hesitate, and we won’t look back. You know, I have always been alone. People tend to leave me, and I’ve never expected this to change. But for once, I want to say what I feel. You cannot leave me, Gintoki. I don’t know when it happened, but your loss would destroy me. So please, whatever happens, come back.” Katsura could not say anything else, for he felt his throat closing, and a slight burn in his eyes. He could feel Gintoki’s assessing gaze, and could not help but wonder what it was he saw. Did he see a pathetic man?

All he heard was a heavy sigh, and then he felt Gintoki lean on his shoulder. “Ah, Zura. I will protect what I want to protect, and if that means my death, then so be it. But I think, just this once, I will make a promise. No matter what happens, we will meet again. You talk about people leaving you, but I promise you that I won’t leave you. Edo is my home, and you will always be welcomed home.”

For a moment, it seemed as if the stars blurred yet brightened. Katsura could feel a tear make its way down his face, but he did not feel any pain. For the first time, he felt relief and happiness. And he knew things would be alright. They would get through this together. It was a promise.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, just the idea. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Feel free to talk to me on Tumblr (same username) about anything Gintama related!


End file.
